So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
