I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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