Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
