My liver just broke up with me...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
