You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
