my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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