Someone shit on the floor
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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