Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
