Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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