a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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