I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
