the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
