If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
