Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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