remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
