The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
