note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
