I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
