i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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