He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
