I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
