You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize
