last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
