I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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