The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
