if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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