It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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