I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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