it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
