operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just gift wrapped bread.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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