Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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