I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
