I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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