I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
