u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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