it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
