Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
