woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
