I could make wine with my vomit
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
