Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
