I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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