Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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