you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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