i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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