btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
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sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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