I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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