The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
