I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
