He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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