running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
