Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
