The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
how does that bad decision feel?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
