dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I cockslap morals
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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