god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
