covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It was confusing and full of hummus
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
