We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
