sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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