update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
