your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
