It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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